The Zen of Away Messages

2003-10-28T14:52:00.000-06:00

"Heading off to work, wishing I was in bed. Man, it's the same damn away message type every morning with me, isn't it?"

Message Warrior X rates this message a 8/10

holy crap, either he got exponetially smarter...or we've been made...

2003-10-17T07:55:00.000-05:00

"It's Friday. I've got a meeting today with a potential client at 10 AM, so leave some love and hopefully I can start earning some money on the side"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

On the side of what, your fat ass?

2003-10-08T16:54:00.000-05:00

"I'm giving this work thing another go, while still, 3 days later, feeling like shit."

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

I can't, believe, he's still, whining, about this.

Message Warrior X rates this message a 2/10

Points for excessive use of the comma. I'm thinking that he lost his list of "things to complain about" this week, thus the lack of creativity in his bitching.

2003-10-08T08:43:00.000-05:00

"I'm giving this work thing another go, while still, 3 days later, feeling like shit."

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

I can't, believe, he's still, whining, about this.

2003-10-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

"I know it's a bit early, and yes, I'm still feeling like hell, but only one thing will cheer me up.....GO MARLINS. Since my Sox couldn't do it, then hopefully my fish can. Nothing personal Cub fans. I would have cheered for them no matter what. But hey, now you are just the next team to go down!"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 0/10

This message made me less intelligent.

2003-10-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

"Sucks to be sick. I'm home for the second day in a row"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

Stop whining. Don't you live in Florida? Not even old people get sick there, nice immune system dumbass.

2003-10-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Still feeling like shit, but since I have to be "responsible", work is where I'm at. I'll talk to you tonight"

Message Ninja X rates this message 2/10

"Responsible." That is exactly what I think of when I think of you. Except, I use it in a sentence like, "I wonder who is responsible for eating all twelve frozen pizzas from the freezer?" But, he relates it to working. I guess in some ways working and eating are the same for him though; I'm sure he breaks a sweat doing both.

2003-10-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

"I'm missing work due to sickness. Leave some love, cause I feel like shit"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

No one cares.

Additionally, Message Ninja X is mystified by the magical powers our chubby scribe obtains through the receipt of instant messages that "Leave some love." I have considering "Leaving some hate," but I reconsidered because this site seems to be a much more humorous avenue for my own spite.

2003-10-03T17:04:00.000-05:00

"Going out to a high school football game....that's right, I said high school, and yes, I'm 23. But hey, Florida HS football is basically like watching college players since most of the good ones come from here anyways. Be back LATE"

Message Master X rates this a 2/10

Looks like Message Ninja started to comment and then stopped. However, I will continue.

So wait? You're 23 and still in high school? Holy crap you suck. And your analysis is awful. Who cares where college football comes from? It's my personal opinion that all collegiate sports need to be cancelled and never aired on television. And how late can you stay out with high schoolers, you douche? They have a curfew.

2003-10-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

"Does being tired on a chronic basis mean I have a problem?"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

No, that's not what tells me you have a problem. The 43" waist is what gives it away for me.

Sidenote: I hate when away messages are laced with moronic questions just so some tool can IM him with their thoughts on the issue. This happens much too frequently for him.

2003-10-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

"Man, I should leave more away messages about the beautiful weather here. I got a record number of IMs to come home to. Well it's still 82 currently, so bitch at me all you want......I'll just go to the beach and order a Mai Tai"

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

You really don't ever shut up, do you? First of all, your away messages are always crap. Leaving one about the weather is even crappier than usual. They'd look like this:

Current Temp: 85
Still Worthless?: Yes

And a record number of IMs must be like three for you and you undoubtedly sent at least two of those three yourself.

And you live in Florida, which is only second to Arizona in Douche Bag per Square Mile numbers.

2003-10-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

"High of 87 today....and this is why I'm living in Florida. I'll hit you up later"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 2/10

I could offer any number of real reasons for him living in Florida, but I choose to give you two numbers instead: 91 and 2. Which are the number of Waffle House locations in Florida and Illinois respectively.

2003-09-30T19:19:00.000-05:00

"Scarface.....HELL YEAH"

Message Master X rates this a 1/10

I have a scar on my face and I find your away message offensive.

2003-09-30T13:41:00.000-05:00

"Have my first advertising client meeting with Coldwell Banker today....and yes, I'm nervous. Hope you are all having a good day"

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

You should be nervous. When the client opens the door, realizes that you might devour him, and yells, "HOLY FAT F*CK!" you'll feel pretty bad.

And I gave you points for the audience interactive, "Hope you are all having a good day," but I'm having a shit day, so I took points off.

2003-09-29T19:38:00.000-05:00

"GO PACK GO"

Message Master X rate this 0/10

GO FAT GO!

2003-09-29T15:52:00.000-05:00

"Back at it"

Message Master X rates this 3/10

You never stopped being a douche so how can you start it up again?

2003-09-29T08:05:00.000-05:00

"Back at it"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 5/10

This message has a pleasant return to normalcy, yet it still maintains the vagueness and punctuational errors we have come to expect from our chunky messenger.

2003-09-26T17:21:00.000-05:00

"Not sure what the evening holds...but you can be sure it doesn't involve me being here. Leave some love"

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

BOOM! I didn't see the twist of "you can be sure it doesn't involve me being here." What a clever fat fuck. It probably involves you eating and being stupid, just like every other night.

You ape shit.

2003-09-26T11:01:00.000-05:00

"A long week is about to come to an end.....working"

Message Master X rates this message a 3/10

It shows our ape test subject is aware that there are days in a week. We are also notified that he is "working." However, he still majored in "leisure studies," and is still a douche bag.

2003-09-25T19:34:00.000-05:00

"Don't fret, precious, I'm here. Step away from the window and go back to sleep. Stay with me."

Message Master X rates this message a 1/10

Holy CRAP this sucks! What are you talking about you bloated pile? If you have anything "precious" and it's near a window, it's because it's trying to escape before you eat it.

2003-09-25T16:02:00.000-05:00

"Painting at work"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 2/10

This ranking includes one bonus point for initially reading the message as "panting" because I imagined him working up a sweat and losing his breath to dialing the first 4-5 digits of a phone number.

2003-09-25T15:48:00.000-05:00

"Painting at work."

Message Master X rates this a 1/10

You're a fat sac. The only thing being painted at work is your arteries with more fat.

2002-12-05T15:37:00.000-06:00

"either collapsed in bed or on the couch. Either way, I'm not functionable"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 5/10

Errectile dysfunction is a bitch.

2002-11-14T20:30:00.000-06:00

"Writing an Archaeology paper all night"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 4/10

How about digging this historical piece of information up; being overweight always.

2002-11-14T18:24:00.000-06:00

"Ok, I think I really am going to go work out now"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

I really think you should you fatass, and use some correct punctuation.

2002-11-06T18:21:00.000-06:00

"Tiempo a comer"

Message Warrior X rates this message a 9/10

To the non-hispanic speaking lay person...it looks like the fatass is about to bust a nut. However he's doing something else that I would rather not see...about to eat a huge meal of double cheeseburgers and steak fries w/ a bowl of grease and a trough of grub for desert. Either way, grab a towel and clean up your mess.

2002-11-03T09:12:00.000-06:00

"I just drove for 10 hours straight (minus gas stops), so now that's it 5:45 AM, I think it's appropriate that I actually go to bed tonight. Leave some love"

Message Master X rates this message a 5 / 10.

So basically you drove 10 hours to sign online again? You're an idiot, get a life. And why aren't you able to end your away messages with proper punctuation? Again, you're an idiot.

2002-10-30T13:38:00.000-06:00

"One day left...."

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

I wish.

2002-10-24T11:44:00.000-05:00

"tiempo a voy a la escuela. Yo necessito comprender la informacion"

Message Master Equis da este nota a UNO / DIEZ

La langua no es importa. Usted siempre va a esta una FUCKWITO.

2002-10-23T21:54:00.000-05:00

"I've got less than 2 months left of college. Damn. Ok, well if you want to do something soon if you go to U of I, let me know, cause after January, you have to find me in the sunny shores of Florida! "

Message Warrior X rates this a 10/10

Get the fuck out of Illinois for god's sake. Number 1, sitting on your ass all day is not considered fun. Number 2, beached whales get pushed back to sea, fucker. So stop complaining, and stop telling us about your boring ass life.

2002-10-23T14:28:00.000-05:00

"Thankfully, I'm back now and believe me, I'm going to be asleep within 5 minutes of finishing writing this away message"

Message Master X rates this message a 1 / 10.

This message ENRAGES Message Master X. Message Master says, get a fucking job, get a fucking life and get a fucking clue leisure-boy. There are some of us out here who don't have the luxury of taking a bowling test then sleeping the rest of the day.

2002-10-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

"Oh my Lord do I need to crawl back into bed. But I don't see that happening until at least 2 PM. Damn."

Message Master X rates this message a 4 / 10.

When I called the Lord about this comment he said, "Jesus, what's wrong with that kid? I don't like him either."

2002-10-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

"Awh yeah, class time! Oh wait, I'm not excited at all now that I'm thinking about it. Shit"

Message Master X rates this message a 6 / 10.

Dude, you totally had me fooled. I thought you were excited. I mean, if I had bowling for a class, I'd be PUMPED too.

CHINCHILLA.

2002-10-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

"The test is over. Classes are done for the week. Granted the exam ripped me up, but oh well, it's done. Chillin for now"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 4/10

I hate you.

2002-10-14T08:51:00.000-05:00

"Looks like somebody has a case of the Mundays.......and believe me, that someone is me"

Message Master X rates this message a 6 / 10

Gee, I never saw that punchline coming. Ever.

2002-10-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

"If you are frightened of dying, and then you hold on, you see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the Earth"

Message WarriorX rates this a 3/10

My foot would like to make peace w/ your face. Someone free me from these ridiculous messages.

2002-10-09T13:30:00.000-05:00

"Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cause I sure could use a vacation from this
Silly shit, stupid shit.
One great big feastering neon distraction.
I've got a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be."

Message Master X rates this a 7 / 10

Certainly the longest message ever, however it's also the most confusing message ever.

2002-10-02T15:54:00.000-05:00

"and I made it up for the second time today just so I can go to class. "

Message Ninja X rates this message a 6/10

Good to know he can still get it up.

2002-10-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

"Skipping classes in nervous anticipation of my phone interview at 3:15 with the Ft. Myers Miracle (Minor League baseball team in Florida). Leave some love so I don't choke."

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

Nothing says Leisure Studies Major more than being the equipment manager for a minor league baseball team...in Florida.

2002-09-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

"Pumping some iron"

Message Warrior X rates this message a 1/10

Blatant lie. But I bet those forarms are feeling mighty tight. Now get back to those cheetos and tig ol' bitties. Pump that shit. PUMP THAT SHIT HARD!

2002-09-27T11:47:00.000-05:00

"Classes on Friday's are my own personal hell"

Message Warrior X rates this message a 4/10

Speaking of personals hells, when the fuck will this man stop whining.

2002-09-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

"Hanging with my girl Jlou"

Message Master X rates this message a 2/10

Dipshit.

2002-09-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

"A quick stop at Gold's before a hang out session with Jessie and the Mr. Brett Slutton is on his way out as well. It's gonna be a long day for sure"

Message Master X rates this message a 3/10

You sure are a wordy fucker today, aren't you?

2002-09-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

"I can't stop yawning, yet like a good boy, I'm off to class. It better pay off with me getting an A in these classes or I will be forced to start going to the casino every weekend and drop out of school. On second thought, that isn't a bad idea......."

Message Master X rates this message a 4/10

Message Master X does not understand how one could NOT get an A in Leisure Study classes. And isn't working a at casino pretty much what you're going to school for anyway? And on third thought, you're an idiot.

2002-09-25T16:32:00.000-05:00

"Napped for 5 hours. Feel like shit. And yes, I'm now working out. Makes sense"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 2/10

This is pretty much an ordinary routine. It kinda reminds me of those "priceless" ads, except minus the wit.

2002-09-25T10:42:00.000-05:00

"I am dropping off my paper, then I'm going right back to bed because I didn't fall asleep and I need some. Jessie, if I'm up for lunch, I'll call you. If not, do you want to grab dinner? Let me know. Everyone else, have a great day"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 4/10

I hate this message. I hate the sleep portion, from a soul who spends more time in rest than any other I know. I hate the complaining session of not sleeping, implied complaining of dropping off a completed paper, but most of all I hate the specificity and manner of bragging used in the away message as though anyone would or should show any intrest whatsoever in his lunch plans other than "Jessie". Perhaps if he got out of bed, he could send Jessie an email instead. Oh, and I hate the closing, as though that has somehow included me. Fuck you.

2002-09-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

"Working on a Service Proposal and Blueprint for the Chicago Bears. I know, it kills me to have to write about my enemy, but what has to be done has to be done"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

Would you like some cheese with your whine you fucking Green Bay bastard?

2002-09-24T15:02:00.000-05:00

"Things to be done today: gym, dinner, papers. We'll see where the day takes me"

Message Master X rates this message a 5 / 10

Message Master X has a good hunch that this day will take you to the gym, back to the apartment, and then to your room. Call it an educated guess...

2002-09-24T11:24:00.000-05:00

"A few classes, then I"m writing another paper tonight. I'm sure you are as shocked as I am"

Message Master X rates this message a 4 / 10

You don't even know how much it shocks Message Master X. A paper? In college? What next? They'll let someone major in Leisure Studies? You're a dreamer!

2002-09-23T08:28:00.000-05:00

"Showing I have some class by attending class"

Message Master X rates this message a 5 / 10

While it's a simple away message, Message Master X and the academic community appreciate that you are showering.

AMENDMENT: Due to Message Master X being unable to read, he would like to retract the prior statement. It is SHOWING not SHOWERING. And after that correction, the points PLUMMET to a 3 / 10 because it's just STUPID.

2002-09-22T16:35:00.000-05:00

"Football Sunday. I'll be glued to the TV all day....literally"

Message Master X rates the message a 6 / 10

The fact that one would physically glue themselves to a television is truly daring. Especially since only poor eyesight can come of this.

2002-09-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

"pregame shower"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 5/10

The fact he must separate pregame showers from other showers indicates more than he intends about their frequency.

2002-09-20T15:39:00.000-05:00

"And the long week is over. I'm off lifting for now, then cleaning up for Betsy so she doesn't come to the hell hole as it isf"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 4.5/10

Thisf messagef trulyf seeksf tof bef af fivef, yetf itf fallsf shortf miserablyf, inf af mannerf becomingf tof itsf writerf.

Also, Message Ninja X offers a petition to amend the previous message ranking to a 4/10 rather than a 6/10, as the expression "leave me some love" does not include the proper noun "dawg" as it has oft been known to include.

2002-09-20T10:52:00.000-05:00

"I'm off to my 3 classes on yes, a FRIDAY, and somewhere by the end of the day I will have taken an exam as well. Great start to the weekend if you ask me. Leave some love"

Message Master X rates this message a 6 / 10

Very long and very entertaining! It would have rated higher however Message Master is not able to show emotion so I am unable to "leave some love."

2002-09-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

"Studying my ass off for my Archaeology exam. but hey, it's good stuff to learn, so I"m not complaining too much"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 5/10

...one cannot help but agree, it is "good stuff to learn", primarily because it is so useful.

2002-09-19T15:06:00.000-05:00

"attempting to change my flat tire with a spare"

Message Master X rates this message a 2 / 10

Slight signs of intelligence...

2002-09-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

"attempting to change a flat, and yes, I've never done it before. Call me on my cell if anyone has a clue on what I should do (###-###-####)"

Message Master X rates this message a 1 / 10

Idiot. Look.

2002-09-19T14:31:00.000-05:00

"Ok I guess I'm not lifting afterall. I have a flat tire and I gots to get it fixed"

Message Master X rates this message a 1 / 10

He has failed. He earns one point for writing the message, the other nine were deducted for being WEAK.

2002-09-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

"lifting and running."

Message Master X rates this message a 4 / 10

Our specimen shows great physical versatility by not only being able to lift, but run at the same time. The rating would have been a 3 however do to his display of superhuman strength, it was raised to a 4.

2002-09-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

"Homework"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

Although simple in form, the true meaning underlying this message is a blantant lie, and instead refers to oneself watching Pleasantville and oogling Toby Maguire.

2002-09-18T19:06:00.000-05:00

Message Ninja X believes it may be an ancient form of haiku, or perhaps simply a comma splice.

2002-09-18T17:28:00.000-05:00

"I'm around before a Meijer trip in a bit"

Message Master X is baffled by this grammar. 3 / 10

2002-09-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

True message: The feeble mind weighs heavily upon the unseen.

Message Ninja X has spoken.

2002-09-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

"Trying to make it through a few more classes"

Message Master X rates this away message: 2 / 10.