Posted 2:52:00 PM by Message
"Heading off to work, wishing I was in bed. Man, it's the same damn away message type every morning with me, isn't it?"

Message Warrior X rates this message a 8/10

holy crap, either he got exponetially smarter...or we've been made...

Posted 7:55:00 AM by Message
"It's Friday. I've got a meeting today with a potential client at 10 AM, so leave some love and hopefully I can start earning some money on the side"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

On the side of what, your fat ass?

Posted 4:54:00 PM by Message
"I'm giving this work thing another go, while still, 3 days later, feeling like shit."

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

I can't, believe, he's still, whining, about this.

Message Warrior X rates this message a 2/10

Points for excessive use of the comma. I'm thinking that he lost his list of "things to complain about" this week, thus the lack of creativity in his bitching.

Posted 8:43:00 AM by Message
"I'm giving this work thing another go, while still, 3 days later, feeling like shit."

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

I can't, believe, he's still, whining, about this.

Posted 4:44:00 PM by Message
"I know it's a bit early, and yes, I'm still feeling like hell, but only one thing will cheer me up.....GO MARLINS. Since my Sox couldn't do it, then hopefully my fish can. Nothing personal Cub fans. I would have cheered for them no matter what. But hey, now you are just the next team to go down!"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 0/10

This message made me less intelligent.

Posted 9:12:00 AM by Message
"Sucks to be sick. I'm home for the second day in a row"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 1/10

Stop whining. Don't you live in Florida? Not even old people get sick there, nice immune system dumbass.

Posted 8:00:00 AM by Message
"Still feeling like shit, but since I have to be "responsible", work is where I'm at. I'll talk to you tonight"

Message Ninja X rates this message 2/10

"Responsible." That is exactly what I think of when I think of you. Except, I use it in a sentence like, "I wonder who is responsible for eating all twelve frozen pizzas from the freezer?" But, he relates it to working. I guess in some ways working and eating are the same for him though; I'm sure he breaks a sweat doing both.

Posted 10:46:00 AM by Message
"I'm missing work due to sickness. Leave some love, cause I feel like shit"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

No one cares.

Additionally, Message Ninja X is mystified by the magical powers our chubby scribe obtains through the receipt of instant messages that "Leave some love." I have considering "Leaving some hate," but I reconsidered because this site seems to be a much more humorous avenue for my own spite.

Posted 5:04:00 PM by Message
"Going out to a high school football game....that's right, I said high school, and yes, I'm 23. But hey, Florida HS football is basically like watching college players since most of the good ones come from here anyways. Be back LATE"

Message Master X rates this a 2/10

Looks like Message Ninja started to comment and then stopped. However, I will continue.

So wait? You're 23 and still in high school? Holy crap you suck. And your analysis is awful. Who cares where college football comes from? It's my personal opinion that all collegiate sports need to be cancelled and never aired on television. And how late can you stay out with high schoolers, you douche? They have a curfew.

Posted 7:56:00 AM by Message
"Does being tired on a chronic basis mean I have a problem?"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

No, that's not what tells me you have a problem. The 43" waist is what gives it away for me.

Sidenote: I hate when away messages are laced with moronic questions just so some tool can IM him with their thoughts on the issue. This happens much too frequently for him.

Posted 5:10:00 PM by Message
"Man, I should leave more away messages about the beautiful weather here. I got a record number of IMs to come home to. Well it's still 82 currently, so bitch at me all you want......I'll just go to the beach and order a Mai Tai"

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

You really don't ever shut up, do you? First of all, your away messages are always crap. Leaving one about the weather is even crappier than usual. They'd look like this:

Current Temp: 85
Still Worthless?: Yes

And a record number of IMs must be like three for you and you undoubtedly sent at least two of those three yourself.

And you live in Florida, which is only second to Arizona in Douche Bag per Square Mile numbers.

Posted 11:28:00 AM by Message
"High of 87 today....and this is why I'm living in Florida. I'll hit you up later"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 2/10

I could offer any number of real reasons for him living in Florida, but I choose to give you two numbers instead: 91 and 2. Which are the number of Waffle House locations in Florida and Illinois respectively.

Posted 7:19:00 PM by Message
"Scarface.....HELL YEAH"

Message Master X rates this a 1/10

I have a scar on my face and I find your away message offensive.

Posted 1:41:00 PM by Message
"Have my first advertising client meeting with Coldwell Banker today....and yes, I'm nervous. Hope you are all having a good day"

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

You should be nervous. When the client opens the door, realizes that you might devour him, and yells, "HOLY FAT F*CK!" you'll feel pretty bad.

And I gave you points for the audience interactive, "Hope you are all having a good day," but I'm having a shit day, so I took points off.

Posted 7:38:00 PM by Message
"GO PACK GO"

Message Master X rate this 0/10

GO FAT GO!

Posted 3:52:00 PM by Message
"Back at it"

Message Master X rates this 3/10

You never stopped being a douche so how can you start it up again?

Posted 8:05:00 AM by Message
"Back at it"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 5/10

This message has a pleasant return to normalcy, yet it still maintains the vagueness and punctuational errors we have come to expect from our chunky messenger.

Posted 5:21:00 PM by Message
"Not sure what the evening holds...but you can be sure it doesn't involve me being here. Leave some love"

Message Master X rates this a 3/10

BOOM! I didn't see the twist of "you can be sure it doesn't involve me being here." What a clever fat fuck. It probably involves you eating and being stupid, just like every other night.

You ape shit.

Posted 11:01:00 AM by Message
"A long week is about to come to an end.....working"

Message Master X rates this message a 3/10

It shows our ape test subject is aware that there are days in a week. We are also notified that he is "working." However, he still majored in "leisure studies," and is still a douche bag.

Posted 7:34:00 PM by Message
"Don't fret, precious, I'm here. Step away from the window and go back to sleep. Stay with me."

Message Master X rates this message a 1/10

Holy CRAP this sucks! What are you talking about you bloated pile? If you have anything "precious" and it's near a window, it's because it's trying to escape before you eat it.

Posted 4:02:00 PM by Message
"Painting at work"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 2/10

This ranking includes one bonus point for initially reading the message as "panting" because I imagined him working up a sweat and losing his breath to dialing the first 4-5 digits of a phone number.

Posted 3:48:00 PM by Message
"Painting at work."

Message Master X rates this a 1/10

You're a fat sac. The only thing being painted at work is your arteries with more fat.

Posted 3:37:00 PM by Message NinjaX
"either collapsed in bed or on the couch. Either way, I'm not functionable"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 5/10

Errectile dysfunction is a bitch.

Posted 8:30:00 PM by Message NinjaX
"Writing an Archaeology paper all night"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 4/10

How about digging this historical piece of information up; being overweight always.

Posted 6:24:00 PM by Message NinjaX
"Ok, I think I really am going to go work out now"

Message Ninja X rates this message a 3/10

I really think you should you fatass, and use some correct punctuation.

Posted 6:21:00 PM by Message
"Tiempo a comer"

Message Warrior X rates this message a 9/10

To the non-hispanic speaking lay person...it looks like the fatass is about to bust a nut. However he's doing something else that I would rather not see...about to eat a huge meal of double cheeseburgers and steak fries w/ a bowl of grease and a trough of grub for desert. Either way, grab a towel and clean up your mess.